Day Forty Four

All the way back on Day Three I had some people share their top 10 lists for making a relationship work (they were Madlibs, so they weren't serious, but still...) and I realized that I never addressed the topic myself. Everyone's relationship is different, so this post isn't going to be a broad, generic list of how I think you should run your relationship. Instead, I'm going by my own experience with Sam and how we make things work.

In the five months that Sam and I have been together, we haven't fought once. You may be thinking, "You're never together, what is there to fight about?" but the truth is, there are a lot of things that put stress on our relationship. The reason we don't fight, though, is because we respect each other and we don't want to fight. When it comes to relationships, fighting is always a choice, and we simply choose not to. That's why, at their peak, our conflicts are more like this:

and not like this:

The reason I think we're able to avoid fighting is that we're both willing to trust and make sacrifices for each other. Sam would be fine with me going out to parties and having a "college experience" because he trusts me, but because 1. I'm not a huge fan of partying anyway and 2. I don't want any issues to arise, I rarely go out and I don't drink.

I've noticed that with a lot of girls, restrictions that their boyfriends put on them are just there to break; the same is true with guys. First off, you should never have "restrictions" in your relationship. It goes back to what I said about ultimatums on Day Thirty Six - they just show a lack of trust and respect in a relationship. For example, if your boyfriend doesn't feel comfortable with you getting drunk every weekend, he shouldn't have to tell you not to do it, you should do it because you respect his feelings. Either don't do it or have a mature conversation with him about it and find a happy medium. 

The bigger issue though is that girls/guys specifically do things that they know will bother their significant others just to prove they're independent and aren't controlled by anyone. A certain someone I know openly hates fake tanning, and out of nowhere, his girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) started fake tanning all the time. Is tanning a big deal? No. But it escalates from there. I've heard stories of mostly girls (buy guys too) going out and getting drunk or high just because their boyfriends don't want them to. It's like when teenagers get stupid tattoos just to piss their parents off - it's rash, immature, and probably going to be a regret later.

Doing stuff behind your boyfriend or girlfriend's back isn't being strong or independent or badass, it's being disrespectful. Being independent is being able to say, "No, I don't drink, I have a boyfriend and I don't want to make any stupid choices." Trust me, you'll earn a lot more respect that way.

We also don't allow jealousy in our relationship, which is hard to do when we rarely see each other. A lot of my friends here are guys and one of Sam's closest friends where he's stationed is a girl. I think the reason that friends of the opposite sex cause a lot of issues in relationships is because of the way that they're handled. If you're secretive about your friendship from your significant other, it's going to look suspicious. That doesn't mean tell your boyfriend or girlfriend every single detail about the friendship, but being willingly open about it makes you easier to trust. Sam has met most of my friends from college, either in person or through Facetime, and he's introduced me to his battle buddies. The only reason I'm jealous is that they get to spend more time with him than I do.

Facetime - improving my relationship since 2013

I think the biggest thing that causes stress for us is the environment that he's in. He has no clear idea what he's going to be doing or where he's going to be going or when we're going to see each other again. It's extremely frustrating, especially for someone like me who needs structure and a plan. It'd be easy just to blame it on him for not knowing, but I have to remember it's not his fault and that if he could tell me what the future was going to look like, he would. 

It's really difficult not to take out our stress or frustration on each other. I know I've gotten snappy at Sam on more than one occasion. We both just have to remind ourselves that we're both frustrated by the same, uncontrollable situation and that we're on the same team. The next few years aren't going to be easy for either of us and the only way it's going to work for us as a couple is if we support each other on our bad days and celebrate together on our good days.