Day Fifty Three

Yes, it's probably almost 3am by the time I'm posting this. It was beautiful outside today and it's dead week. The combination of the two don't make for time spent sitting on the computer pondering love and relationships.

This post is going to be part one of two. Much like Day Thirty Six/Day Thirty Seven, I'm going to start off with a question that I'll answer today and have other people answer tomorrow. Instead of a bunch of questions, though, I'm going with just one because it's a complicated issue.

What is cheating?

I don't mean on an exam or during a sporting event, I mean in a relationship. While I think it's good that couples discuss boundaries and comfort zones with each other, I do think there are a few pretty standard guidelines that should be followed when it comes to faithfulness and I think these guidelines are the rule, not the exception.

To me, cheating is kissing and anything past that, so making out, sex or anything else of that nature constitutes as cheating in my book. That's pretty standard I think. Most people who find out their boyfriend/girlfriend is kissing other people would call them a cheater, and certainly anything beyond that would count. There is no gray area when it comes to those things. If you're in a relationship with someone, don't do these things with anyone else. Simple.

If YOUR boyfriend or girlfriend cheats on you, this should be your reaction:

because cheating means they have no respect for you. Now, I've been cheated on twice and forgiven both times and I've even taken one of them back but now that I'm out of high school and dating is (or should be) taken at least somewhat seriously, I wouldn't take them back. Already going through that I think has given me the self respect to say, "No, I'm not going to take that." Luckily, it's not something I worry about in my relationship, but Sam and I have already made it clear that cheating would be the end of our relationship.

The other thing about taking someone back after they've cheated is that you just allowed that behavior. They got a little on the side and you take them back - what does that say? It says you don't care that they disrespected you. What's going to keep them from doing it again? I'm not saying "once a cheater, always a cheater," is always the case, but even if that person doesn't cheat again, you've shown to them that you're a push over and you'll allow them to disrespect you. 

It's the same concept.

"But Gabby," you're probably asking, "What about other stuff like cuddling and dancing at a frat party/club/wherever you go to grind on random people you don't know? Isn't that cheating?" To me, no. It's not "cheating." But that doesn't make it okay. Just because it's not cheating doesn't mean it's not crossing a line and being disrespectful to your relationship. The thing is though, those lines are often blurred and what may be totally fine to one person might be clearly wrong to another. 

That's where communication comes in! If you're wondering where the line is when it comes to, say, dancing, just ask. It might be an awkward conversation to bring up, but there's a really simple way to bring it up without sounding like you're trying to get away with as much as possible without crossing any lines. Try something like this: 

"Hey I'm going out to a club with my friends this weekend, and since it's not very well established, I want to know what you're comfortable with, just so I don't cross any lines." 

Perfect example of what might be crossing the line.

Here's the key though - if they say they're uncomfortable with it, don't do it! Because you asked, and now you know where the line is, you can't cross it whether you agree with it or not. If you think it's absolutely ridiculous like, "You can't hang out with so-and-so because you dated for a month in 7th grade," then you can try to work out a compromise because that's what being in a relationship is about - communicating and making compromises so you're both happy and comfortable. 

Last point: If it's questionable, DON'T DO IT. Err on the side of caution. It's better to just not do something than find out later you've crossed a line and are now stuck with explaining yourself. A good rule of thumb is: If you'd be pissed if you found out they were doing it, you're probably better off not doing it yourself.