Although Cosmopolitan magazine is famous (infamous?) for its sex tips, it does have a lot of advice and opinions on relationships. For today's post, I decided to go through the last five issues of Cosmo and pick out the seven topics that stood out to me most.
Just a note, I'm not necessarily saying that I'm right or that Cosmo's right - it's all opinion.
Is it ever okay to issue your boyfriend or girlfriend a potentially relationship-ending ultimatum?
Me: No. An ultimatum as significant as "Do/don't do this or our relationship will be over" shouldn't be something you just throw around. I can't think of too many situations where I'd issue a specific ultimatum with Sam - obviously, there's "Don't cheat on me or else it's over" but as far as "Don't talk to so-and-so or I'm breaking up with you," I don't think I'd ever do that. To me, issuing an ultimatum shows a lack of security in a relationship and there are deeper issues that won't be solved with a simple ultimatum. If there's something that's bothering you, it's more effective to talk about the issue and why it worries/annoys/upsets you - a good boyfriend/girlfriend will take the time to understand where you're coming from and come to a compromise.
Cosmo says: It can be a smart move if you follow these guidelines: Be specific - instead of saying, "don't hang out with you ex or else," let him know what bothers you and why. That way he'll be more likely to process your point of view. Don't back down - by putting your relationship on the line and making it clear you're willing to walk, you're showing him just how high the stakes are and how insane he'd have to be to ignore it.
Is one year too soon to be engaged?
Me: It really depends on the couple. If you've only KNOWN each other for a year, I think a year is a bit too soon to get engaged. Then again, my parents knew each other for less than a year and they've been happily married twenty years. Regardless of how long you've been dating, you're not ready to be engaged if you can't look into the person you're with's eyes and say, "This is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with," without any hesitation whatsoever. It doesn't matter if you've been together a year or ten years, until you can do that, you shouldn't be engaged.
Cosmo says: Hold off a little longer if you don't know all sides of each other yet. Work on your communication and be sure there's more than just a physical spark before taking the next step. The timing is right if you have the makings of a married duo. It's not just about the sex and you guys compromise well. If this is the case, a walk down the island could be in your future.
Should you be concerned if your guy/girl holds onto things his/her ex gave him?
Me: Depends on what you mean by "holds onto." If my ex gave me an awesome present like a video game or a really comfy sweater, I wouldn't throw it out just because we broke up. Holding onto anything of sentimental value, like their ex's favorite T-shirt or love letters they wrote him/her, would probably make me a little uncomfortable though. Keeping them is one thing, but staying emotionally attached to them when you're in a relationship with someone else is another thing. It wouldn't make me concerned about cheating or not liking me, but I don't know, I'd feel weird about it.
Cosmo says: Probably not. Guys don't attach the same sentimental significance to objects the way women do. If he;s not stuck in the past in other ways, like keepings tons of pics of his ex around the house, then he just simply likes the thing.
The bill comes on a date, how do you deal with the "Who pays?" situation?
Me: Sam and I are pretty open when it comes to money, so we kind of have a system worked out to deal with the whole "How are we going to deal with the check?" situation. I definitely don't believe that a guy should pay for every date, but I also know it makes Sam feel good to pay for things. For the most part, I let Sam pay for things without putting up a fight, but if it's something small like Starbucks, I'll offer to pay. Sam's pretty good about letting me treat him every once in a while.
Cosmo says: What not to do: say something like, "I'd really prefer that we split this." If you do that, a guy who had every intention of paying may panic and fear that you will be annoyed if he doesn't let you pay for half. Instead, let him make the first move for his wallet. When he does, reach for yours and silently continue going through the motions of paying until he stops you. Most guys will.
Would you want to know if your boyfriend cheated on you?
Me: He better not! I don't think that's something I'd want to know, but it's something I'd need to know. With Sam and I being apart so much, our relationship is built on such a high level of trust and if that was violated, I'd be devastated, but for me, the only thing worse than cheating is cheating then hiding it. No matter how much I love someone, I wouldn't want to date someone that wasn't faithful.
Cosmo says: (Quick background info - the guy writing the article cheated on his fiance when he was away on a trip. He felt extremely guilty about it and told her. They tried to work through it and got married, but obviously things weren't okay because his now-wife revenge cheated. Then they divorced.)
"It's not an appealing thought that dishonesty can sometimes be the answer - that it can be less damaging to maintain a lie - but I know that being honest about cheating can wreck lives. I felt guilty and I wanted to be forgiven before we were married. Was telling her the right thing to do or did I compound my infidelity with another selfish act? Some part of me thinks it would have been bigger of me - and better of me as a future husband - to walk down the aisle with her as if nothing had happened in that hotel room. I know this much: there is no way to press rewind and unto the hurt you've caused another. I love a marriage when I cheated and confessed. Who knows, it could've been a good one.
How do you make a long distance relationship work?
Me: You have to make sure you don't lose the spark between you. Two people who decide to try to make a long distance relationship work obviously have strong feelings for each other to begin with - maintaining a long distance relationship is just about remembering why you fell for each other in the first place. Every time I see something that reminds me of Sam, I'll send it to him through Facebook. Sam always shares funny stories with me about the people he's in reception with. We always have "Remember when..." moments from before he enlisted. It's little things like that that keep long distance relationships alive.
Cosmo says: *Master the creative date - My boyfriend and I created our own film club. We watch a movie on our own time and Skype each other on the weekends to talk about it. It's one thing in our lives that feels in sync and it's just fun. *Start a Cheesy-cute ritual - We set our phone backgrounds to a new photo of us each time we're together. It's too easy to forget how great someone is when you can't see them. A conveniently placed souvenir of the good times will et you through the hard ones." *Don't say good-bye - Never part ways without knowing the next time you're going to see each other. It helps to have something to look forward to and having concrete plans about meeting up again takes away a lot of the sadness of living apart. It turns a "good-bye" in to a "see you soon" which feels way better.
Should you remain friends with an ex?
Me: Unless your relationship ended violently, I think you should at least try to be friends with your ex. Just because a relationship didn't work out, doesn't mean that a friendship can't. One of my best friends is my ex-boyfriend and I actually think that our friendship wouldn't be as strong as it is now if we never would've dated.
Cosmo says: It depends on the situation. After a cooling-off period, reach out to him and suggest doing something safe and neutral like metting for coffee or lunch. If the guy seems pretty wrecked from the break-up, even if you don't have feelings for him anymore, he might still have feelings for you. If you broke up with him, your instinct may be to check on him and make sure he;s okay - don't. Give him some space to get over it. Sometimes though, there's a damn good reason this guy is your ex - do everything in your power to keep it that way.
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