Sam ~ Yes, my boyfriend Sam. Just a side note, he didn't see any of my answers before answering these questions, so his answers aren't influenced by me at all.
AFF (Anonymus Female Friend) ~ One of my girl friends that's in a semi-long distance relationship
Marine ~ A pretty badass U.S. Marine (the same Marine that was in my Madlibs post!)
Travis ~ My incredibly sassy gay friend
*Note: More of Sam's answers will be added later... the Army keeps him busy.
Is it ever okay to issue your boyfriend or girlfriend a potentially relationship-ending ultimatum?
Sam: Small ultimatums are fine. Most of the time couples joke around using them. But a major one like "change or it's over," is wrong. People don't just change over night. Also, the other person shouldn't be trying to change their significant other, because they should love them for everything they are including their flaws. People shouldn't get themselves into relationships in order to change the other person.
AFF: Offering an ultimatum seems to me as though it could negatively affect relationship in that it may decrease the communication between the couple. Compromises can be made rather than concentrating on only two possible options. If you are serious about following through with the ultimatum and those options are the only ones you see possible for your relationship then an ultimatum could be used.
Marine: Not without some kind of preemptive warning. If there is something that is unacceptable, and there are things, then you communicate and you tell your significant other that it's not alright. If that doesn't help and it persists, then yes absolutely. People, even bad people, have their own morals, and if you can't tolerate something that your partner does then something has to give. I'm not saying that they should bend to your views, but if it is sensible, then they should respect that as a part of who you are and cease.
Travis: Absolutely! There is so much fresh meat out there, you're crazy to be with someone who is not what you want and or need. My advice though is that you can’t change people, time and time again I have seen people be like “I’m going to change them; they will be different with me”. You know, that’s crazy talk, it’s time for you to wake up and smell the coffee. He or she will not change for you and most likely I hope you’re not desperate enough to change for them. You can make suggestions about what you want them to do and not to do, but I would have extremely low expectations, if they change, great. If not, do you love them enough to stick around? That’s the real question sweetheart.
Is one year too soon to be engaged?
Sam: I think it really depends on how long you've known the person. If the couple got to know each other by being in an intimate relationship then I believe a year is too soon. It's going to take longer than a year to get to know that person inside and out. But on the other hand, if the couple had been friends prior to the relationship and really knew each other before they stated dating, than I think a year is a good amount of time.
AFF: I believe that it is too soon to be engaged. I realize that many people partake in engagement early into a relationship, but I feel like that is what leads to such a high divorce rate. People are getting engaged and married too early into relationships. There is no way you can tell whether you are compatible for a future together after one year.
Marine: Whether or not it is too soon depends on the relationship. I believe that you can find enough out about a person and how compatible you are with them in a year, and if you spend enough time with them to understand what it would be like to have them around for nearly every moment (unless you're in a case like the military), then yes. In most cases no, nowadays people meet and "fall in love" in a day, it's very superficial, you have to be more intimate than that. People think they know everything from the start and don't take the time to really get to know each other.
Travis: Honestly, it depends where you’re at in the relationship, and how old you are. If you are middle aged and you’re not getting any younger, and you think your man or women is the best you can get, then no. If you’re in high school, and all these bitches be like I’m getting married. Honey please, you don’t know what you want. If you’re getting married for the wrong reasons, no matter how long the engagement or how long you have been dating I would say give it more time.
Should you be concerned if your guy/girl holds onto things his/her ex gave him?
AFF: I don't believe there is any need for concern if a guy you're in a relationship with holds onto things from an ex because everybody has a past and keeping those memories is not always a sign that he has not moved on from the other relationship. Everyone has past relationships they have cherished memories from and it should not be required that you let go of those special things to start a new relationship.
Marine: You do not have to be concerned because they hold onto something that their ex gave them - if they're still friends then it's not unreasonable, it could be like a present from any other friends. If they're holding onto something and they aren't friends then it could just be that they like the item and are indifferent about who gave it to them. Holding on to things because of sentimental value it holds from another relationship is reasonable to get concerned over.
Travis: This is an interesting question. Are you concerned about a sex tape the two of them made together, that your lover has in their DVD collection or a coffee mug from Palm Springs, they got together while they were visiting one of their grandma’s---- over Spring Break. Honey please, use common sense. I hope to god you have the wisdom to determine what is appropriate and inappropriate, what’s healthy for your relationship and what’s not.
The bill comes on a date, how do you deal with the "Who pays?" situation?
AFF: It is most polite and considerate to offer to pay or at least offer to pay for what you ordered; that way the guy doesn't feel like you expect him to pay. And if he offers to pay in the end, it makes you feel special and it makes him feel like a gentleman for taking you to dinner. If he takes you up on the offer for paying for yourself or paying entirely, be prepared for that and pay. Then, after the date you can decide if you were approving of him handling it that way and whether you would go out with him again.
Marine: If it's a date, then woman keep your damn hand off of the check! The expected thing is that the guy will pay; I get it women, you want to be independent, and that's adorable, but guys like to do things for girls. It's a courtesy like opening the door - it's not that we think you're retarded and can't do it yourself, it's that we want to be nice to you and treat you well. If a girl sets up a date for a guy, that's different, because sometimes girls like to be the same way. After a while, not every meal is really a date. I think mostly the guy should still pay but obviously he's not going to pay for every single meal they eat together, but for dates, that is the man's realm. If you're married, it doesn't matter, you're money is probably pooled together anyways.
Travis: This is 2013, so I don’t care if you’re straight, gay, or out with your mom. Always offer to split it; it’s appropriate for this day in age and the society we live in.
Would you want to know if your boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you?
AFF: Yes, I would want to know if he cheated because that would significantly affect the relationship. Although some may take on the "ignorance is bliss" perspective, that is not what my approach would be.
Marine: Yup, so I can kill the other asshole who got with a girl that was spoken for and then so I know that I don't want anything to do with that girl, at the very least not want to be in a relationship with her. I would understand if I was deployed or something, not wanting to put that in my head, but personally I'd wanna know anyways because I don't want to go on putting my emotions and effort into keeping something alive that is going to fail. Don't wait for anything, just tell me. Under no circumstances would I not want to be told.
Travis: This is so personal, for some people they like to live a life of denial and would rather not know. For me personally, I would like to hear it directly from my partner, not someone else. If I did hear it from someone else, at least that would give me a chance to possibly make my appearance on the Jerry Springer Show.
How do/would you make a long distance relationship work?
AFF: A long distance relationship is kept strong by communication. That's what's important in all relationships, especially long distance ones.
Marine: Don't let the love in your heart die. It's easy to lose sight of things when they are far away, you just have to remember exactly what it is that you love and makes you happy. Talk, communicate, and be considerate of you're boyfriend's or girlfriend's concerns - if they're uncomfortable with you being out with all guys or getting drunk a lot or being around guys and getting drunk, then don't do it. People make sacrifices for the ones they love, and if they can't handle it, then you have to be sensitive to that sort of thing. It's hard to be thousands of miles away and watch your girlfriend go out knowing that anything could be happening and if something bad were happening then there's nothing at all that you can do to stop it. But at the same time, you have to be able to trust each other.
Travis: You Skype? Who knows, I would suggest keeping each other involved, and always try and make plans to see each other. I would take it one day at a time, and always work on trying to get my partner and me together, in the same location for good.
Should you remain friends with an ex?
AFF: It depends on the relationship of the individuals and how that relationship ended. If both feel comfortable and want to make a friendship work, then it should be done. If someone has been a major part of your life and you still want them to be, regardless of whether a romantic relationship worked or not, then why not? If a relationship didn't end on healthy terms, then remaining friends wouldn't make sense. Sometimes, you just don't want to be associated with that person anymore or have them in your life any further.
Marine: Dating is a method people use to take a relationship to a new level so that they can see if that's who they want to be with - it's like a test almost. Just because you don't fall madly in love and get married doesn't mean that you can't be friends with them. If the relationship ends on good terms and with understanding, then why wouldn't you be friends? You don't have to hate someone because they decided that they don't want to spend the rest of their life waking up next to you, that's a big commitment and if you're not right then you're not right. It's not like you're not good enough, its that you're not a good fit.
Travis: Oh please, only if they are willing to be friends with benefits. On a side note, you know what they say, the best way to get over a guy/girl, is to get under another one. Okay, that statement might be true for some but I would suggest that if you really loved and cared about your ex you would only want the best for them. That means they might think it’s best to stay friends, and for others they may find it’s best to go your separate ways. Whatever the case, you know what’s right.
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