Day 192

Today, I just need some adorable animal pictures. 

Day 191

Stupid iPhone non publishy issue...

I think after this leave, Sam and I will have met pretty much every one of each other's Oregonian family members. Today it was his other set of grandparents, his aunt, uncle and two cousins. I think it's awesome that we're getting to meet each other's families since, ya know, we're going to be together a while.

Day 186 - 190

Like last time Sam and I went to the beach, I thought it’d be a better idea to write about the whole trip as one entry instead of every night. This time, instead of Lincoln City again, we went up to the Seaside-Astoria area. We couldn’t get a hotel in Seaside because they were either fully booked or way too expensive so we stayed in Warrenton. I thought it was going to be a pain being outside Seaside and Astoria, but it ended up being a really great place to stay.

Before we started heading towards the coast, we stopped for a few hours at my great grandpa’s house (the one with all the cool stuff) to hang out and get some work done in one of the back rooms. It wasn’t a very productive work day, but it was awesome to see my grandpa and Sam getting along so well. Army buddies I guess.

Anyways, we got to the hotel pretty late so after we checked in, we found a place to eat that was actually open in Astoria. I’m so used to Eugene where it’s easy to find food at any hour, but it’s a lot different on the coast. The Mexican restaurant we ate at was one of the only ones open and it closed at 9. The food was really good though and they were the kind of place that doesn’t rush you out the door at closing time.

After that we tried finding the beach. It took a bit longer than expected. Siri told me that there was a road near our hotel that went straight to the beach so after missing it once and having to turn around, we took it only to find ourselves at a gate to a military “reservation” guarded by a Master Sergeant. He was really cool though and gave us easy directions to get to the beach. Seriously one of the most awesome beaches I’ve ever been to.

 It was already dark by the time we got there but we still drove out on the beach (for my non-Oregonian readers, that’s totally legal) and the beach was so flat that we could drive down a ways. There were a bunch of other cars out there too, some of them just driving like we were, a few were parked by some bonfires (also totally legal here) and some were sitting with their lights off, so you can use your imagination with those ones. It would have been a lot more fun if we were in my old beat up Ford Explorer that sadly died last year instead of my dad’s car because I was paranoid of anything happening to it. We ended up getting stuck in some deep sand trying to get off the beach because some jackass parked right over the hard sand so no one could get out and then ran off somewhere. Some pre-boot camp Marine helped us get unstuck and then they helped another guy (Air Force) get some lady unstuck. By the time we got back onto the road there were a dozen people waiting and the jackass blocking the way never showed up.

The next day we woke up late and headed over to Seaside. We had to make a stop on the way because I don’t think it’s possible for Sam to pass a knife shop without going in. That’s okay though because I know half of his Christmas present. He wants a badass fixed blade and apparently that’s okay to send to Afghanistan, so that's what he's getting. I'll probably bring along his dad because I know nothing about knives except what looks cool.

We went to Seaside after the knife shop as well as the next two days, so I'll just write about Seaside all at once. We found a really amazing Japanese restaurant, so good in fact that we ate there twice. The rest of the time we spent walking around, shopping and going to the arcade. The first day we went, the weather was beautiful. 

The beach is NEVER that nice on the Oregon Coast. 

I also got my mama's birthday present and Sam got a lucky charm amulet thing from a Scottish lady at the Celtic shop. The arcade was probably the most fun though. We blew so much money, especially on this game:

All you do is roll balls up the ramp and try to get 5 in a row (or the whole board, depending on the game). That's it. But it was soooo addicting.

We also went to Fort Stevens, which I've written about before. I was worried that Sam wouldn't think it was as cool as I do, but he was into it, so that was awesome. I even let him tell me things I already knew. 

There were only two things that kind of sucked about our trip...

1. I had nausea issues the whole trip, reaching their peak at the last night where I thought I was going to lose my dinner in the middle of our date. We didn't get to do our bonfire because of it, but it was alright because we just relaxed in the hotel room. 

2. The hotel we were staying at screwed us over with the TV. You couldn't watch regular TV, they didn't have a DVD player and even if you brought your own, it was impossible to connect it to the TV. That means, if you wanted to watch anything at all, you had to rent a movie through the TV. We spent $14.99 to watch Django. It was a fantastic movie, but still. We had the whole LOTR trilogy with us. 

On our way home, we stopped at Hug Point (we didn't stop for the cheesy name, we stopped for the awesome looking caves).

Overall it was amazing trip and I'm glad I got to have alone time with him before he leaves :) 

Day 185

My mom thought she found an awesome movie for me to watch...

Yeah, she didn't turn it off haha

Day 184

Sam's playing guitar with his friend and since I'm not musically gifted AT ALL I figured now would be a good time to write my post for today. Not gonna be late today!

I wish I was good at music, at least one instrument. Actually, I wish I had something cool like that that I was good at. I mean, I'm good at school and organizing, but that's not exactly an exciting talent. In high school, I had lacrosse but now I don't really have a thing. I don't have time for a thing. I know that's a horrible excuse but you can't exactly learn to play guitar or long board or surf or anything like that over the summer and I know I wouldn't be able to keep it up during the school year *sigh* I guess I'll just stick to school for now until I'm done.

Day 183

Another run-around-all-day-then-crash day yesterday which is why I'm writing in the morning again. :/

Last night, Sam and I were watching Baggage (that trashy Jerry Springer show) and one of the girl's secrets was that she likes being in open relationships. In theory, it's not an awful idea but in practice, I'm wondering how well that works. For at least one person, there's got to be some jealousy issues. "We were supposed to have date night tonight... What do you mean you were out with someone else?"

To me, if you can't be happy with one person,you shouldn't be in a relationship at all. Even in a long distance relationship, I would so not be cool with being in an open relationship. The word "mine" comes to mind. I'm not usually a possessive girlfriend at all - I thought it was awesome that he went out clubbing with his friends in Germany - but when it comes to other girls in a more-than-friends kind of way... Just no. And I know he feels the same way, so there's no chance we would last in an open relationship or even make it that way in the first place.

I guess if you can make it work and you're both genuinely happy, great for you, carry on, but it's not something I think would work out 99% of the time.

Day 182

It's my birthday!!! Or at least it was when I was supposed to write this post. Yesterday was crazy though... I was up at 6:30 to go to work, worked at Willow Lake until 5, went out to dinner, ran to Sam's mom's then opened presents. It was almost 10 by the time everything was over and I was just too exhausted. 

You know what's crazy? A whole bunch of people sent me "Happy Birthday" text or posted on my Facebook wall, but so many of them I rarely talk to anymore and even fewer are people I actually hang out with. I think some of the credit goes to the fact that Facebook tells everyone when you're birthday is, but it was still really cool to get so many messages.

For those that are wondering, Sam got me The Lord of the Rings extended edition box set, which is awesome AND the mark of a boyfriend who knows his girlfriend. :)

Day 181

Day 180

I'm sorry the last two posts have been kind of short, especially considering Sam's home and that's kind of a huge deal, but I don't really know what to write. I feel like I should right about all the things I'm feeling (that's kind of the point of blogging, right?) but to be honest, my feelings are so conflicted right now that I don't even have them together in my head, let alone figured out enough to write about. I don't mean conflicted about whether this whole dating thing is going to work out - I know it is - but he's deploying and there's other stuff and it's complicated.

For example, I'm glad he's home, but knowing he's going to be gone for the next 9 to 12 months is going to make saying goodbye really hard, much harder than last time when we had no idea. It's something that's been in the back of my mind all day today. The happier he makes me while he's here, the more that's going to be taken away once he leaves. It's sad but true. :/ but it's part of being in a relationship with a soldier (or airman or Marine or seaman for whatever) and I knew that from the start so I just gotta tough it out. I don't regret it and I know I'm not going to even while he's deployed.

All I can do is enjoy the time I have with him until he's out and we don't have to worry about being apart for so long anymore. It's a few years away still but hopefully it'll go by pretty fast. 

Day 179

Sam's home :D hooray! I missed him a lot even though it was only a month between seeing each other. It's sad that a month is "only" a month. He's home until the 3rd so I'm planning on taking full advantage of him being home :)

Day 178

So remember I told you guys that Pokemon was my nerdy guilty pleasure? Look what came in the mail today....

I am way more excited than I should be. 

Note: Again?!? Are you kidding

Day 177

In less than 24 hours, Sam will be hopping on a plane to Oregon, which I guess is pretty cool. I know it hasn't been that long between visits, but it's still just as exciting to have him come home. I kind of wish I was going to Germany because he sent me pictures and it looks amazing...

 

... but I'm also glad he's coming home. He'll get to see his family and (finally) meet my family. He's met my family before, but now that he's my boyfriend, it's a little bit different. Okay, maybe a lot different. Knowing my family (I love them, but they can be a little crazy when you get them all together), it might be a bit overwhelming for him at first, but I think they'll get along just fine :) I'm just looking for Great Grandpa's approval, the one who told me, "Boys are like ice cream, you gotta try all the flavors before you know which one's your favorite." 

Uhhhh, okay, maybe not ALL the flavors Grandpa....

Day 176

 Yesterday I was planning on coming home from family dinner at my brother's girlfriend's (it was the first time the families have really met even though they've been dating over a year) and then coming home and writing about it but we got home really late. I think that's a good thing though because it means we weren't dying to get out of there. What could have been an awkward get together was actually really nice - the food was amazing and our families really got along. 

Anyways, I've got some good news. I wanted to wait to tell you guys until I knew it was happening beyond a reasonable doubt. Sam's coming home on Wednesday and getting to stay for almost 3 weeks :) He'll be home for my birthday too, which is next Sunday for those who didn't know. It won't be like last time where I posted a few days all at once unless we take a trip again. Don't know if that'll happen but fingers crossed :)

Note: this is another one of those posts that didn't publish from my iPhone until much later. I wrote this early this morning

Day 175

Just not in the mood right now. Things will hopefully get better tomorrow. 

Day 174

So things with Sam have been a little stressful lately and that's because the Army can't make up their damn mind. Two days ago, we got word that he was officially deploying in August for 9 to 12 months and that he might get leave, after a big long to-do list and an approval. One day ago, we found out he was most likely going to get leave and be home within a week. This morning we found out that there was an absolutely complication that might keep him from deploying and he won't know for another five days most likely and because of that, we have no idea when his leave is (he wants to take it anyway, even if he doesn't deploy, which is a whole other issue itself). And chances are, I'll get news that something ELSE will have completely changed when I wake up tomorrow (I wake up around the time he's done for the day). I'm just waiting the message saying, "I'm deploying and now I don't get leave."

It's so ridiculous at this point it's almost funny. ALMOST.

Day 173

Here are some beautiful works of art done by Maci (Chloe wasn't into the whole coloring thing)

And here's mine: 

Day 172

I had  swim  lessons  then  we  came  home  and  had  a  water  bolloon  fight  then  we  sat  in  the  sun then  pick  up  then  played  with  sidewalk  chalk  then my friend ave came  out of  no  wear  and i played  with  her  then  mom  came  home  she got taco bell   then  i  played  for  30  min   then  sat  in the  sun then my  cousin  Gabby  took  me to  the pool  then i ate dinner  then  played out  side  

the  end

by Maci  churchill

Day 171

Day 2 of 4 of my Maci and Chloe adventure.

We started the day off with taking Maci to swim lessons. 

Chloe cheered for her older sister the whole time, especially when she was jumping in the pool. We took a break from watching where Chloe used the big girl swing all on her own (well, kind of... I had to push). Maci did really well at her lesson and Chloe kept telling her how proud she was after it was over.

Then, we went home and had a Punic in the playroom and watched TV. I had been awake for only 5 hours at that point and I already felt like I needed a nap. The two of them have so much energy, it's hard to keep up with them. 

After that what was supposed to be playing in the kiddie pool turned into a full out water fight.

Chloe was really enthusiastic with the hose. It was actually a bit sinister the way she laughed as she chased us around. I went out and bought water balloons for tomorrow's water fight. I'm exhausted but today was worth it :)

Day 170

Day 1 of 4 of my Maci and Chloe adventure.

 

That's them. They're adorable. I haven't been around because of college and I've missed them a lot. It was really nice to hear them get all excited when I walked in :) and when the little one asked me to cuddle and said "I love you" before bed, I think I died a little. There will be more pictures and stuff tomorrow but here's a (unfortunately blurry) picture of them dancing to Gangnam Stlye.

 

Day 169

Tonight we watched my parent's wedding video which was half touching and half hilarious. I don't really have a lot that I want to say because I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm conflicted. They were so happy together and it made me miss Sam. So before I Sad Rant, I'm going to get some sleep. Sorry for the short post but I'm going to have a long next few days because I'm going to be at my little cousin's house from Monday night to Thursday. 

Day 168

We're doing a lot of family trips this summer I guess because today my mom, sister, sister's friend and I went to the Wildlife Safari down near Roseburg. 

 

That's my sister taking picture out the car window as we were driving through the safari. It's actually a really neat place and totally worth going to. The actual safari part has a lot of different animals and they really can come right up close to your car.

Then, inside the village, they have a lot of more zoo style exhibits and even though it's not very big, they have a lot of cool animals. Admission to that is totally free. If you had some extra money to spend though, they have a lot of awesome experiences you can buy, like riding a camel, animal encounters and taking a safari jeep out there (I think you get to feed some of the animals but I'm not 100% sure). 

Definitely recommending it :)

Day 167

My mother said I have to be domesticated so she told me I was in charge of dinner tonight. Like, all of it. The rule was that I wasn't allowed to buy anything (so I wouldn't just

Go to Safeway and get a premade pizza) but I kind of cheated and had her pick up walnuts and avocado. I didn't NEED them, they were just to add to the salad. 

It was actually edible :) My mom said it was good, except that there was a little (a lot) too much butter sauce. 

Apparently this is going to be a weekly thing so I'm going to need to get some more ideas. Maybe I should get a Pinterest. I'm hoping that this can turn into a double purpose thing: getting me to be able to cook and getting my family to try new foods. The rest of my family's food horizons aren't very broad so I'm hoping to change that. Also, everything  going to make is going to be meatless. Here's what I'm thinking for next week: 

(Not sure what's going in the soba yet)

We'll see how it goes

Day 166

Today I went down to my grandpa's house again and today we worked on the garage. 

Before:

After: 

And if that doesn't seem like much of a change to you, check out the amount of garbage we cleared out.

I think that's pretty good for a few hours worth of work considering we had to go through every box, folder and envelope. 

What we found today:

- about $50

- WWI ammo box

- my grandma's awards for community service (there were quite a few of them)

- a TON of old tools

- mostly garbage

Day 165

Today, I actually decided to follow one of the shared Facebook links on my Newsfeed titled: "Just Because He Breathes: Learning to Truly Love Our Gay Son." Of course I was upset, but more than that, I was mad. You'll understand why after reading the article. This story isn't from the 1980s... it's from the 21st century. Keep that in mind.

~~~

On the night of Nov. 20, 2001, a conversation held over Instant Messenger changed our lives forever. Our 12-year-old son messaged me in my office from the computer in his bedroom.

Ryan says: can i tell u something

Mom says: Yes I am listening

Ryan says: well i don't know how to say this really but, well......, i can't keep lying to you about myself. I have been hiding this for too long and i sorta have to tell u now. By now u probably have an idea of what i am about to say.
Ryan says: I am gay
Ryan says: i can't believe i just told you

Mom says: Are you joking?

Ryan says: no
Ryan says: i thought you would understand because of uncle don

Mom says: of course I would
Mom says: but what makes you think you are?

Ryan says: i know i am
Ryan says: i don't like hannah
Ryan says: it's just a cover-up

Mom says: but that doesn't make you gay...

Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: but u don't understand
Ryan says: i am gay

Mom says: tell me more

Ryan says: it's just the way i am and it's something i know
Ryan says: u r not a lesbian and u know that. it is the same thing

Mom says: what do you mean?

Ryan says: i am just gay
Ryan says: i am that

Mom says: I love you no matter what

Ryan says: i am white not black
Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: i am a boy not a girl
Ryan says: i am attracted to boys not girls
Ryan says: u know that about yourself and i know this

Mom says: what about what God thinks about acting on these desires?

Ryan says: i know

Mom says: thank you for telling me

Ryan says: and i am very confused about that right now

Mom says: I love you more for being honest

Ryan says: i know
Ryan says: thanx

We were completely shocked. Not that we didn't know and love gay people; my only brother had come out to us several years before, and we adored him. But Ryan? He was unafraid of anything, tough as nails and all boy. We had not seen this coming, and the emotion that overwhelmed us, kept us awake at night and, sadly, influenced all our reactions over the next six years was fear.

We said all the things that we thought loving Christian parents who believed the Bible, the Word of God, should say:

We love you. We will always love you. And this is hard. Really hard. But we know what God says about this, so you are going to have to make some really difficult choices.

We love you. We couldn't love you more. But there are other men who have faced this same struggle, and God has worked in them to change their desires. We'll get you their books; you can listen to their testimonies. And we will trust God with this.

We love you. We are so glad you are our son. But you are young, and your sexual orientation is still developing. The feelings you've had for other guys don't make you gay. So please don't tell anyone that you are gay. You don't know who you are yet. Your identity is not that you are gay; it is that you are a child of God.

We love you. Nothing will change that. But if you are going to follow Jesus, holiness is your only option. You are going to have to choose to follow Jesus, no matter what. And since you know what the Bible says, and since you want to follow God, embracing your sexuality is not an option.

We thought we understood the magnitude of the sacrifice that we -- and God -- were asking for. And this sacrifice, we knew, would lead to an abundant life, perfect peace and eternal rewards. Ryan had always felt intensely drawn to spiritual things; He desired to please God above all else. So, for the first six years, he tried to choose Jesus. Like so many others before him, he pleaded with God to help him be attracted to girls. He memorized Scripture, met with his youth pastor weekly, enthusiastically participated in all the church youth group events and Bible Studies and got baptized. He read all the books that claimed to know where his gay feelings came from, dove into counseling to further discover the whys of his unwanted attraction to other guys, worked through painful conflict resolution with my husband and me and built strong friendships with other guys -- straight guys -- just like the reparative therapy experts advised. He even came out to his entire youth group, giving his testimony of how God had rescued him from the traps of the enemy, and sharing, by memory, verse after verse that God had used to draw Ryan to Him.

But nothing changed. God didn't answer his prayer, or ours, though we were all believing with faith that the God of the Universe, the God for whom nothing is impossible, could easily make Ryan straight. But He did not.

Though our hearts may have been good (we truly thought what we were doing was loving), we did not even give Ryan a chance to wrestle with God, to figure out what he believed God was telling him through scripture about his sexuality. We had believed firmly in giving each of our four children the space to question Christianity, to decide for themselves if they wanted to follow Jesus, to truly own their own faith. But we were too afraid to give Ryan that room when it came to his sexuality, for fear that he'd make the wrong choice.

Basically, we told our son that he had to choose between Jesus and his sexuality. We forced him to make a choice between God and being a sexual person. Choosing God, practically, meant living a lifetime condemned to being alone. He would never have the chance to fall in love, have his first kiss, hold hands, share intimacy and companionship or experience romance.

And so, just before his 18th birthday, Ryan, depressed, suicidal, disillusioned and convinced that he would never be able to be loved by God, made a new choice. He decided to throw out his Bible and his faith at the same time and try searching for what he desperately wanted -- peace -- another way. And the way he chose to try first was drugs.

We had unintentionally taught Ryan to hate his sexuality. And since sexuality cannot be separated from the self, we had taught Ryan to hate himself. So as he began to use drugs, he did so with a recklessness and a lack of caution for his own safety that was alarming to everyone who knew him.

Suddenly our fear of Ryan someday having a boyfriend (a possibility that honestly terrified me) seemed trivial in contrast to our fear of Ryan's death, especially in light of his recent rejection of Christianity and his mounting anger at God.

Ryan started with weed and beer, but in six short months was using cocaine, crack and heroin. He was hooked from the beginning, and his self-loathing and rage at God only fueled his addiction. Shortly thereafter, we lost contact with him. For the next year and a half, we didn't know where he was or even if he was dead or alive. And during that horrific time, God had our full attention. We stopped praying for Ryan to become straight. We started praying for him to know that God loved him. We stopped praying for him to never have a boyfriend. We started praying that someday we might actually get to know his boyfriend. We even stopped praying for him to come home to us; we only wanted him to come home to God.

By the time our son called us, after 18 long months of silence, God had completely changed our perspective. Because Ryan had done some pretty terrible things while using drugs, the first thing he asked me was this:

Do you think you can ever forgive me? (I told him of course, he was already forgiven. He had always been forgiven.)

Do you think you could ever love me again? (I told him that we had never stopped loving him, not for one second. We loved him then more than we had ever loved him.)

Do you think you could ever love me with a boyfriend? (Crying, I told him that we could love him with 15 boyfriends. We just wanted him back in our lives. We just wanted to have a relationship with him again... and with his boyfriend.)

And a new journey was begun, one of healing, restoration, open communication and grace.Lots of grace. And God was present every step of the way, leading and guiding us, gently reminding us simply to love our son and leave the rest up to Him.

Over the next 10 months, we learned to truly love our son. Period. No buts. No conditions. Just because he breathes. We learned to love whomever our son loved. And it was easy. What I had been so afraid of became a blessing. The journey wasn't without mistakes, but we had grace for each other, and the language of apology and forgiveness became a natural part of our relationship. As our son pursued recovery from drug and alcohol addiction, we pursued him. God taught us how to love him, to rejoice over him, to be proud of the man he was becoming. We were all healing, and most importantly, Ryan began to think that if wecould forgive him and love him, then maybe God could, too.

And then Ryan made the classic mistake of a recovering addict: He got back together with his old friends, his using friends. And one evening that was supposed to simply be a night at the movies turned out to be the first time he had shot up in 10 months -- and the last time. Ryan died on July 16, 2009. And we lost the ability to love our gay son, because we no longer had a gay son. What we had wished for, prayed for, hoped for -- that we would nothave a gay son -- came true. But not at all in the way we had envisioned.

Now, when I think back on the fear that governed all my reactions during those first six years after Ryan told us he was gay, I cringe as I realize how foolish I was. I was afraid of all the wrong things. And I grieve, not only for my oldest son, whom I will miss every day for the rest of my life, but for the mistakes I made. I grieve for what could have been, had we been walking by faith instead of by fear. Now, whenever Rob and I join our gay friends for an evening, I think about how much I would love to be visiting with Ryan and his partner over dinner. But instead, we visit Ryan's gravestone. We celebrate anniversaries: the would-have-been birthdays and the unforgettable day of his death. We wear orange, his color. We hoard memories: pictures, clothing he wore, handwritten notes, lists of things he loved, tokens of his passions, recollections of the funny songs he invented, his Curious George and baseball blankey, anything, really, that reminds us of our beautiful boy, for that is all we have left, and there will be no new memories. We rejoice in our adult children, and in our growing family as they marry, but we ache for the one of our "gang of four" who is missing. We mark life by the days B.C. (before coma) and A.D. (after death), because we are different people now; our life was irrevocably changed in a million ways by his death. We treasure friendships with others who "get it" because they, too, have lost a child.

We weep. We seek Heaven for grace and mercy and redemption as we try not to get better but to be better. And we pray that God can somehow use our story to help other parents learn to truly love their children. Just because they breathe.

~~~

It took your son becoming a drug addict and disappearing from home to realize that?! It doesn't take a parent to know that's wrong. I can't believe some people can be so ignorant and bigoted even in the 21st century, especially towards their own child. I really don't want to say any more because I KNOW I'm going to offend someone so good night for now every one.

Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-robertson/just-because-he-breathes-learning-to-truly-love-our-gay-son_b_3478971.html.

Day 164

Talking to an out-of-stater made me realize again why I love Oregon so much. It's absolutely beautiful here, the air is fresh, there's lots of trees, the people are friendly (and a little weird) and there's not too much you can't do here. There are beaches and mountains and rivers and deserts. Also, there's no sales tax which is amazing. 

The only thing that's a bit of a downer is the rain. For those of you who don't live in the Pacific Northwest, let me tell you, it rains. A lot. For most of the year. But honestly, you learn to love it, or at least live with it.

After living for 5 years now in Oregon, I can't imagine another place as home. I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Just as long as I don't settle in Salem because it's not exactly the most exciting place in the world. I thought when I went off to college for a while and then came back I'd be like, "Ahhh Salem, I missed this place!" No. 

I'll probably end up in one of the suburbs outside of Portland or even better, a little further out so I can have a real yard and build my own home. I know it's a long ways from happening but a girl can dream.

Day 163

Took a day trip to Seaside and Fort Stevens with the family today :) Here are a few of my favorite pictures!